Still Close Enough to Go Back

by Slow Bullet

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credits

released October 28, 2016

All songs written and performed by Sam DeBurgh except “What a Friend” is an excerpt of “What a Friend We Have in Jesus” written by Joseph M. Scriven and composed by Charles C. Converse

Recorded and Mixed by Matthew Frank at Atlas Studios
Mastered by Dave Downham at Gradwell House

This is BAI071
© & ℗ 2016 Blood & Ink Records
P.O. Box 27265
Richmond, VA 23261
All rights reserved
bloodandinkrecords.com

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Track Name: Let Us Not Grow Weary in doing Good
You always used to promise me that you would never leave
You’d say “Son, don’t worry; I see everything”
And it used to calm the tremors in my brain
And it used to make the nightmares go away

Every now and then these days you’ll try the same thing
In some attempt to help me believe
But these days your words are never quite enough
It’s like you’re saying it so I will shut up

I’ve been watching wicked men succeed for twenty years, so pardon me if I have little faith that things will change.
If God’s been answering it’s with all the things I don’t want him to say, and I just wait.
Track Name: The Fiscal Year
Did you ever think in 96’
That we’d live in a loveless house like this
When I put that ring on your finger with the highest hopes of idealistic youth?
I’ve reviewed the numbers from the past year but something just won’t add up
I need a little more for myself
I need a little bigger cut

And I promise I still love you, but.

The kids have ruined everything
Our bodies changed we’re weakening
No sex, forsaken shiny things that rot in the garage.
Hopelessness is setting in, I’m trying hard to fight it but I’m scared I’m already the man I hated back then.
Track Name: Forgive Yourself
“Rejoice” is a word for new home suburbs, or cops with perfect combovers at the community dinner.
It’s a black and white hand shaking in front of the just-cut ribbon of a brand new city in the sky.

“Forgiveness” was made up by a hungover college kid after a night of cheap beer and sex, scared of the heaven they know that they can’t get in.

But I need a real forgiveness, cause I’ve seen things that split my life in half and I’ve said words that I can’t take back.
And I need something that will knock me out all night, cause it’s too easy to forgive myself
I’ve done it a thousand times.
Track Name: Survival
I met you at the parking garage, I waited for an hour.
And when you finally swerved into your spot, I could smell the alcohol on your breath as you said “hello”

While you were talking to me, I admit I wasn’t listening;
I was thinking about how one year ago I would have yelled at you for driving.

But lately I’ve been thinking about death
How we cannot run forever from a bullet with our names on it
Or a nail in the road, or a penny on the track
I guess yours might be coming
I guess that I’m okay with that

Hello, it’s good to see you; I missed you.
Track Name: Eating Puke
talked to God today, I told him “I promise that I’m done watching pornography”
But here I am again, home all alone, and I think that I was probably overreacting.

I saw your dad today, we made small talk at Pick N’ Save and I told him I was praying for you and your family; but the truth is that I hate all your guts more than I can say.
But I saved those words for later and let them stir behind my teeth.

When the queers and leftists roam, I stand out on the corner sometimes, tearing at my robes; so thankful for the providence divine that smiled on me to make me good and make me clean
“God, thank you that I’m not like these”
Wallowing in my hypocrisy.
It tastes good.
Track Name: What a Friend
What a friend we have in Jesus, all our sins and griefs to bear
What a privilege to carry everything to God in prayer

Oh, what peace we often forfeit
Oh, what needless pain we bear
All because we do not carry everything to God in prayer.
Track Name: Penance
If I swallow the right combination of pills, the wasted time feels strikingly like productivity.
If I catch just the right angle in the mirror I see Jesus Christ; I know it sounds strange but darling just listen to me.

I’ve been checking my mailbox every afternoon for my salvation invitation and plus one.
Maybe tomorrow it will finally come.

All the girls in the basement drugged and gagged
And all the little boys who will grow to wish they could take their past back
Or burn their catechism or save their soul from hell
Or smoke their lungs black burdened by the weight of things they cannot tell to anyone.

Maybe tomorrow it will finally come.
Track Name: Love Song
These days when you touch me I close my eyes and imagine you’re Sarah from Starbucks on 9th.
I feel you around me, your mouth and body emanating heat
It gets the job done for me as long as I let imagination take the lead.

What makes you so sure you’re the one to go to heaven?
What makes you so sure you’re not just living it now?
On the freeway, weaving in and out of traffic, she texts me “Don’t forget to take the garbage out”

Look at us we’re falling in love, like our parents and everybody else did before.
And when we die we’ll walk side by side into the gates of eternal life with all the gamblers and whores.
Track Name: How's School Going
she was really meant for earth, then life sure let her down
She was two weeks pregnant with a kid she'd have by a boy she never met "what a shame" everyone said when she was found.

Look at all the houses and buildings in my kingdom - they're burning down, they're falling down.

Jackson killed his brother over seven hundred dollars, he just couldn't take withdrawals anymore. And when the cops came in, he shot himself in the basement of his parent's house - he learned to crawl and died on the same floor.

I'm ready, I'm tired of this cage that I've been living in.
I'm ready to be new again.

Howard just turned ninety, all his family is gone except a son who won't talk to him anymore. He's worthless to the younger kids, pathetic and embarrassing in a brand new age of medicine where you don't have to die, but he's ready.
Track Name: Day Drunk at the Airport Bar
t's like that feeling when you're still close enough to go back
And all you really want is to be told that you're a good man by someone beautiful
And she's pretty good at lying
Cause you know all the things you've done and you can't be forgiven

So now you're day drunk at the airport bar trying to make sense of this hole that you've so quickly dug yourself in
If the girl is still alive you probably don't have long
Before her brother or her father or the cops come

You hear the final boarding call and stumble onto the plane
Vomit into the bag before you even hit the runway
And ask yourself how it was possible to make this mistake

I mean you're a good guy
You never really got in too bad
Maybe a DUI or two but your officer friends took care of that
Look at you now: you're running for your life and you can't make sense of it

Everybody gets what they're due in the end
Track Name: Man Is Born for Trouble As the Sparks Fly Upward
This is our home, we live here now and there's not much we can do about it for better or worse; believe me, I wish I could too.
I never thought one year ago that we would find ourselves living here: devoid of conscious and doubting promise, a slave again to fear.

My mistakes won't let me go
They followed me to our marriage bed and they watch us like a ghost or a small leak in the boat
But I am the weakest man
I am a beggar
I am an ant
awaiting trial where I already know that I'll be damned, because I can see inside my mind, and no god or judge could look inside and find anything they deem worthwhile to hang the jury for another night.